In the depth of my work lies guilt, in varying degrees.
The guilt, which exists shadow-like behind what I desire, has followed me like a scarlet letter.
And the reason for the guilt was crossing the line towards the forbidden.
The existence of the forbidden was the catalyst that brings about the bright flame of desire.
But after the radiant light spreads endless darkness, and after the profound blaze a brand is left, bleak as the heat exuded.
The more I desired, the stronger the guilt, and I worked to free myself from it.
But my work was also another desire, so the pursuit of art for absolvement of guilt was a lost confession, with nowhere to go.
The desire to cross the line into the forbidden and the guilt of crossing it, the conflict of those two polar opposite emotions caused in me a long-lasting want which could not be resolved. It was like drinking seawater to quench the thirst that only got worse. My work may be the scar from the wounds I made to drink my own blood in order to relieve that thirst. Perhaps from the would made by the desire for the forbidden I have found myself, and at the same time the path to perceive the world I exist in.
나의 작업의 가장 깊은 곳에는 크고 작은 죄의식이 자리잡고 있다.
내가 욕망하는 것들 이면에 그림자처럼 존재하는 죄의식은 주홍글씨처럼 나를 따라다녔다.
그리고 그 죄의식의 이유는 금기의 어김이었다. 금기의 존재는 욕망이라는 환한 불씨를 일으키는 촉매제와 같았다. 하지만 눈부시게 빛났던 빛 뒤에는 끝없는 암흑이 펼쳐지고, 강렬히 타오른 불길은 내뿜었던 열기만큼 싸늘한 화인을 남긴다. 욕망을 추구할수록 죄의식은 커졌고, 그것을 해소하기 위해 작업해왔다.
하지만 작업 또한 하나의 욕망이었으니, 죄의식의 해소를 위해 작업을 추구하는 것은 갈곳없는 길 잃은 고해였다.
금기를 어기고픈 욕망와 금기를 지키지 않았다는 죄의식, 결코 하나가 될 수 없는 두 감정의 충돌로 인해 나는 오랫동안 해소할 수 없는 결핍을 앓았다. 마치 바닷물을 마시며 계속 목말라 하는 것과 같았다. 작업은 그 해갈을 위해 내 피를 내어 마셔온 상흔일지도 모른다. 금기를 향해 품은 욕망이 남긴 상처에서 나는 내 자신을, 동시에 내가 있는 세계를 인식하는 통로를 발견한 것이 아닐까.
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